3 steps to say what you mean instead of the opposite

I was talking to a colleague and he said something that I do a lot: we often say the opposite to what we mean as pseudo-language.

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

And it suddently struck to me…

Why do we do that?

When we see the difficulty we have to communicate, would it not be easier to really say in the words we choose what we really mean rather than disguising it or sugar-coating it?

It seems to be counter-productive and consequently causes the person we talk to to think harder to be sure to grasp the message.

Does it not create quiproquos?

My colleague told me it depends on who you talk to:

• if it is someone you don’t know, it may come in the wrong way
• if it is someone you know well, you can use this way of talking because you both talk the same language.

I don’t agree.

Why I don’t agree

First, how would you know you really use the proper language with the person you talk to?

If you can, good for you.

I know that my emotion management is not ideal, so I find more interesting to work to really say what I mean rather than inventing a pseudo-language between me and a few people.

Second, you might hurt your relationships because it is common for individual not to understand the meaning of a message when you use a pseudo-language.

How and what to replace it with

I feel like it has been in my life. I realized that I use this mecanism very very very often.

Too often, I should say.

Be honest with yourself.

So once, I realized that, I thought: “How can I stop it?”

• First, we don’t suppress habits, we change them, be replacing it with something that we find is more positive to our life.
• Second, we need to find what can we replace it with. In my case, it is simple: say what you mean.

However, the mind must be rewired to really do it automatically.

The steps:

• Measure: when you say the opposite of what you mean
• Analyze: when you know what triggers the habit, what cue happens.
• Act: catch the moment you are about to say something when your mind thinks the opposite and just tell plainly what you mean.

What do you think?